Mental Flux: Mind and Body

And on the wings of a dream its seems I can redeem the gleam of desire from a heart’s ripped seams. And it seems like a gravity has set a finality, fatality; the stars never seemed so far and extreme. You see, we’ve walked the land, swam the seas, hit the road and traveled grounds unseen. Our imagination is the face of creation harboring hope and elation, strength and motivation. Open your mind and look at the sky, so sly, hiding why our feet are undermined by the flight of birds and light. Does it seem right? To struggle with a might that one cannot see; a battle we can’t flee?

A hot, hot summer evening. N’dungu and I were exercising, and I was hurt. Hurt in the worst possible way a fighter can be hurt; in my heart. I was so irritated, so clouded, with thoughts of anger and disgust with someone I had given my entirety to. I let myself become weak through sheer excuse. I sparred my brother with misty eyes and a crumbling heart; I felt furious. For some reason, I can’t help but blame myself, regardless of the situation. All my pent up anger become vectorized in my own image, and I struggled furiously with just breaking something, a life, a bone…anything. Fighting as if I were trying to not drown, N’dungu hugged me all of a sudden and said, “my brother are you high?” 

I was taken aback by his statement; he knew my position toward hallucinogens and other recreational drugs. Yet he dared ask the question out of sheer concern and love. He looked at my reddened eyes of despair for losing one of the greatest fights I could have ever had. He knew, he knew I wasn’t drugged, but he wanted to save me the shame of admitting tears. 

“Whats wrong?” he asked.

I just stuttered about and we sat down.

“A lady,” he said, “will always be the one who makes a fighter either stronger, or weaker. Now the question is, when do you know which path you are headed? You’re so young, little ndugu, and you do not have a full grasp of how the heart beats when its in someone else’s hands. Listen, you cannot fight with an angered heart; you will lose. I understand pain very well, I did after all leave the family I love, so think a bit. Your, er, friend gave you a few good times and let you peer to the ocean of sentimentality; something you and I both know you lacked. Yet, you can’t let all the good feels become rage, mistrust and misplaced resentment. Your opponent deserves you to fight him with a desire of love; love as a friend you will talk to with your respectful movements. I’m here for you to learn, and so, I will make you stronger physically and spiritually. Just like you get up from getting knocked down by me, get up when being knocked down by someone you connected with spiritually. In the end, just like you don’t want to lay here on the floor when I kill you, you don’t want to lay there and see them prosper as you become earth. Lets go Ndugu, get some water.”

I want a love like me
thinking of you
thinking of me
thinking of you type love,
or me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to
myself about how I feel about you type love,
or hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you
want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to
my last name,
and shit, I wanted to see how far I could get without
calling you, and I barely made it out of my garage.

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls
asleep then wonder if she dreaming about us being in love
type love,
or who loves the other more,
or what she’s doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the
music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a
love so good could just hurt so much when she not there.
Shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type
love.

And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
all around the house so she never forgets how much I love
her type love then not have enough ink in my pen to write
all there is to love about her type love.
Hope that I make her feel as good as she makes me feel,
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the
way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.


Only difference is this is one of those real love type
loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the
phone with her not saying shit,
and then fall asleep and then wake up with HER right next
to me,
and smell her all up in my covers type love

I want to try to counting the ways I love her, and then
lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all
over again.
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even
though they ain’t really anniversaries, but doin’ it just
cause it makes her happy type love.

And check this, I want fall in love with the melody the
phone plays when her number is dialed in to her type loves
and then talk to you til I lose my breathe, she leaves me
breathless, so with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all
of her back into me

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone
calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer
because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high
cell phone bill type loves.

I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time to
love as long as I’d like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.

I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and trim my mustache, but
it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.

And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y’all this

I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying
to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country

just to get treated

then somehow meet up again with you so that I
could fall in love with you in a different language just
to see if it still feels the same type love.

I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is, but I’m
married, so she is going to be the one that I share this
love with.

-Shihan 

It irks me to no end, you wouldn’t know. 
How I can’t let out a single word
of any value, of any worth. 
I do not want fine eroticisms
Nor a touch that’s unabashed.
I want you, entire:
Head to toe, inside and out.

No.
I don’t want you inside and out.
I don’t want to be inside you, 
I don’t want to feel your outside.
I want you, entire.

I want you,
In the same way the flowers want the sun.
The same way the ocean wants the tide.
The same way the stars want the night.
The same way the dog wants a bone.
The same way the world needs oxygen.

I want to trace the outline
Of your body in my grasp.
I want to feel the silk of your arms.
The sponge of your lips.
The warmth of your embrace.
The fluidity of your hair.
The desire in your eyes.
The essence of your life.

I want you in a way you won’t see.
In a way I can only express by
Vacuous words.

It irks me, how you can’t see.
How I can’t show.
How we’re blind. 

-Kent D. Vergil